


Not Sexy at All

by the_original_n_chan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Humorous Body Horror, M/M, Semi-Public Sex, Special Survey Corps Horses Don't Care, Titan Penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 14:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1351198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_original_n_chan/pseuds/the_original_n_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Levi is traumatized for the rest of his life. Or possibly longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Sexy at All

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: May cause your brain to bleed. The author is not responsible for any damages caused by reading this fanfic.
> 
> The characters and story of Shingeki no Kyojin belong to their original creators. Who are definitely not responsible either.

With a final pat on his horse’s muzzle, Levi pushed it back toward the feed bucket before the animal could slobber half-chewed grain all over him. He left the stall, latched the door, and then paused for a moment, waiting to see if the presence lurking halfway down the aisle was going to make a move on him immediately.

Apparently not, because it wasn’t until he had started strolling in that direction and had in fact nearly made it all the way to the tack stall where the brat was hiding that Eren swung around the doorframe and into view. “Heichou’s all done now?” Eren asked, trying to sound brightly innocent and casual, and failing, because Eren was incapable of concealing any emotion or impulse for more than about two seconds, and the way his gaze travelled over Levi’s uniformed body was definitely neither innocent nor casual.

Levi grunted in response, and at the immediate glint in Eren’s eyes, the flickering hint of a smile, he added curtly, “And if you’re thinking about having sex in this stable, that would be a ‘no.’ Animals shit in this place.”

“But it’s clean in _here_ ,” Eren wheedled. Glancing past him into the tack stall, Levi raised his eyebrows, then gave Eren a single eloquent look, and Eren flushed. “Well, pretty clean. And it’s not like we actually need to lie down or anything.”

Levi snorted in disbelief. “ _Honestly_ , Eren? You can’t wait _five minutes_ so we can get to someplace where we can fuck on a comfortable horizontal surface in a place that doesn’t smell like horseshit?” Then again, Eren was fifteen; maybe he _couldn’t_ wait.

And for fuck’s sake, was that an actual pout he was seeing? “Commander Erwin wanted to talk to you when you got in, so there isn’t time to go all the way up to your room and get back.” And then Eren’s brief sulk vanished into a sudden, brilliant smile, lighting Eren’s usually serious features with puppyish eagerness and pleading and, fuck it, actively _winsome_ desire. “Come on, Heichou. _Please?_ ”

“No.”

“Just make out a little?”

“ _No_.”

Levi started to stride past, and in a darting move Eren hooked one arm through his, yanking him in through the doorway and up against Eren’s lean, rangy body. Eren tried to wrap both arms around him while burying his face in Levi’s neck, and Levi elbowed him off (rather gently, he thought, considering the circumstances and the fact that Eren should know better than to ever try grappling him), caught Eren’s arm and spun him around, then shoved him away. As Eren stumbled a step or two and then turned back to face Levi, Levi advanced, shoved him again, slapped his playfully half-hearted block aside and then drove him backward in one abrupt rush until Eren was slammed up against the far wall, Levi’s hands fisted in the straps of his maneuver gear. Eren gave a little gasp, surprise more than pain, and then grinned down at him.

Levi blew a breath out through his nose. “Little shit,” he muttered, and Eren’s grin widened. He wriggled a little in Levi’s grasp, caught his breath as Levi leaned in to bite at his throat. Gods and Titans knew, he really shouldn’t encourage these stupid hormonal teenager shenanigans, but somehow Humanity’s Fucking Strongest was weak against this particular hormonal teenager. And the lust was contagious, the smolder in Eren’s eyes echoing the heat of Eren’s body against his, the heat in his own groin as Eren thrust his hips forward—not subtle, no, never Eren. The stall smelled like leather and saddle soap, which was tolerable, even pleasant, and like sex, sweat, the musky spice of Eren’s skin, close as they were standing just then, right up against each other. Bracing one arm crosswise over Eren’s chest, Levi dropped his other hand to clutch and knead at the already rock-hard bulge of Eren’s dick, straining against his close-fitting uniform pants—growled low in his throat despite himself, suddenly and fiercely turned on by Eren’s all-too-plain excitement. Eren moaned in answer, canting his hips up toward Levi in an urgent plea for more, more touch, more contact, pressing his hands flat against the wall to either side of himself as he arched his back—and then jerked one hand away with a stifled curse.

Levi pulled back, frowning. “Hmm?”

“A-ah, I put my hand on a nail or something—it’s nothing.” The words were quick, husky, distracted. Eren’s half-lidded eyes were locked onto Levi, pupils already dilated, breath coming faster as he ground forward into Levi’s hand. “Heichou, _nnn_ , don’t stop. Please.” Eren’s breathing stuttered. “I—”

_FWOOM._

Only instincts born from years of fighting let Levi fling himself to one side as the front of Eren’s pants blew out, but _something_ still hit him, even before the blast of transformation knocked him off his feet. He rolled, came up in a half crouch, blades already drawn, and stared. “Shit!” The vapor filling the tack stall began to clear. “ _Fuck!_ ”

Titans didn’t have penises, a fact for which the world was probably grateful, because who wanted an eyeful of flopping Titan dick when they were in the midst of trying not to die horribly and messily. But—there it was. Enormous and steaming and flushed a vicious red— _hard_ , covered in swollen veins, and visibly throbbing. And had he mentioned _huge_. It was bigger than either of them. Than _both_ of them.

“ _FUCK!_ ”

He needed some new profanities. He was quickly wearing out the ones he had.

“Aiiiee— _Heichou!_ ” On his knees, still pinned against the wall by the nightmarish appendage attached to his crotch, Eren held out one hand to Levi, wild eyed and panting, obviously desperate. “Help me!”

“I am _not_ helping you with that!” His skin crawled at the very idea of physical contact with it. And then a truly horrendous mental image sprang to mind, and he tensed up so violently that he actually shuddered from head to foot. “ _And just what exactly were you planning to do with something like this?_ ”

“I-I didn’t mean anything! It just... _happened_.” Eren whimpered, shutting his eyes, balling his fists helplessly against that mass of flesh. “ _Please_ , Heichou. I-It... _oww_....”

“ _Tch!_ You are absolutely fucking kidding me!” Levi snarled. “Because your out-of-control monster dick is so obviously _my_ problem.” Eren just made some more miserable, pained-sounding noises, and...well, _shit_. All right—fine. Eren obviously couldn’t even get up, let alone go berserk and try to ass-rape him to death, so having made his displeasure clear, Levi warily sheathed his blades and began inching forward, eyeing the... _thing_. He was frankly amazed that the horses weren’t shrieking in terror and trying to kick down their stalls to get away, but then these were special Survey Corps horses, and they probably didn’t give a shit about some Titan meatstick. He should only be so blasé.

 _Okay, come on, it’s just a fucking cock._ You’ve _got one._

_Though admittedly...not quite like this._

_Daaaaaamn...._

He still didn’t know what the fuck he was supposed to _do_ about it, though.

He’d gotten within arm’s length, somehow; he could feel the heat radiating from it. It was just as godawfully obscene up close, if not more so, but now that the first shock was past, there was also a kind of horrific fascination to it. Almost against his will, Levi reached out, his hand hesitating toward it, closer, _almost_ —and just before he touched it, it _twitched_ , and he damn near levitated himself back across the room.

“Heichou!” A little annoyance had crept into Eren’s tone, crowding out the panic.

Quivering with indignation and completely offended sensibilities, Levi crossed his arms in a warding X in front of himself. “Okay, that’s it, I’m done! I’m _leaving_. You can pull your own ass out of that disgusting humongous jizz-pipe—I’m not going anywhere near it.”

Eren squirmed, urgently but ineffectually, and then subsided. “I can’t! I-I’m stuck.” His face was pale, and he was sweating, either from anxiety or from the heat. “Y-You...you’re going to have to cut me free.”

On the point of walking out the door, Levi turned and stared. Just when he’d thought he couldn’t possibly be any more appalled.... “Are you seriously fucking asking me to cut off your fucking dick!” His voice actually cracked on the words, which was completely mortifying, but then he was a _man_ , and something like that....

“It’s just the Titan part!” Eren protested.

“And if I cut it too close, it’s going to take off your real dick too.”

“It’ll grow back!”

Eyes narrowing, Levi jabbed a finger at Eren accusingly. “ _You_ are getting way too cavalier about losing body parts.” How were they even _having_ this conversation?

“Well, you were the one who was talking about cutting off my arms and legs that one time,” Eren muttered, glancing sullenly aside.

“As an alternative to _killing_ you.” Levi pressed his fingers against his forehead, gritting his teeth as he tried to dredge up whatever remnants of calm and sanity he possessed. “Look—just shut up, all right? I’m _not_ cutting off your dick.”

“But—”

“ _Shut up_.” Sidling grimly along the wall, Levi came up next to Eren and caught hold of his shoulders, determinedly ignoring the giant dick pulsing right next to him. “Slide forward.” He pulled as Eren pushed—staggered and almost fell on his ass when the whole thing moved, more easily than he’d expected, because of course, Titans were a lot lighter than they appeared to be. Eren gasped as his dick scraped across the floor, and Levi winced in spite of himself. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“N-No, it’s okay,” Eren murmured breathlessly. “It feels....”

“ _I don’t want to know what it feels like._ ” They’d gotten Eren a meter or so away from the wall, and Levi shifted around behind him, bent slightly and hooked his hands underneath Eren’s armpits. With a grimace of resignation, he planted one boot against the mountain of cockmeat. “Now pull, damn you.”

He pulled, they both pulled, and for a moment it seemed like Eren was well and truly and possibly permanently stuck to his Titan part, but then he ripped loose abruptly, with a thoroughly gross, wet, slurping, tearing sound. Levi stumbled backward, hit the wall—not on the fucking nail, at least, and he was going to go around and pull out _every fucking sticking-out nail himself_ —and slid down it until he was sitting, legs drawn up, both arms wrapped around Eren as Eren sprawled limply against his chest. Eren’s head lolled back against Levi’s, his rapid breaths warm and wet against Levi’s neck, just above the cravat. “I hate my life,” Eren whimpered.

“I hate your life too.” Levi pushed lightly against Eren’s shoulder. “Sit up, brat.” As Eren slumped forward, Levi got up and found a spare horse blanket, which he wrapped carefully around Eren, cringing and trying not to look too closely at the mess that the Titan shift had made of Eren’s crotch. Even knowing that it would heal with remarkable speed didn’t help much. He had to drag Eren’s arm over his shoulder in order to haul Eren to his feet; the kid’s legs wobbled, and he could barely stand up. And he was going to need new maneuver gear in addition to new pants, Levi noted. Try explaining _that_ to Supply.

With Eren leaning heavily on him, Levi got them past the disembodied Titan cock, which was slowly beginning to vaporize, and out into the aisle. As they approached the stable’s main door, their awkward, limping progress must have been noticed by someone, because dark silhouettes appeared in the square of daylight, some moving toward them, calling out questions.

“Back. _Get back!_ ” Snarling, Levi raised his voice further. “Stay out, you wallfucking bastards! Hazardous materials. Fuck off or die.” The soldiers all fell back before him and scattered like a flock of anxious chickens as he manhandled Eren out the stable door. Almost at once, he spotted a familiar face. “ _Moblit!_ Where’s Hange?”

“Y-You’re not going to _tell_ them?” Eren squawked in dismay. “Heichou, _no!_ ”

“Heee~re!” Hange trilled, popping up from behind a nearby wagon that was in the midst of being unloaded, blinking with sudden curiosity and interest. “What is it?”

“Oi, shitty four-eyes!” Levi jerked his head toward the stable door. “If you want two and a half meters of fresh, hot Titan schlong, you’d better get your ass in there before it all disappears.”

“ _Heichou!_ ”

“ _EEEEEE!_ ” The wind as Hange bolted past them practically blew their hair back from their faces. “ _Moblit!_ Bring the specimen kit!” That eager cry trailed off into the echoing depths of the stable. And maybe it was petty of him, but Levi was gratified to see Moblit looking even more horrified than he’d felt throughout the entire fucked-up ordeal. In fact, Hange’s second-in-command seemed almost ready to faint just at the thought of what awaited him. Or maybe at the thought of what Hange was going to _do_ to it.

Or _with_ it.

What the fuck _ever_.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Eren half moaned, half growled as they turned away, heading for the main headquarters so Levi could put this pain in the ass to bed.

“It’s payback for the all trauma you caused me.” And also for science, although he didn’t see what good it would do, considering that most Titans didn’t even have that piece. He hmphed. “Also, just so you know, we’re not having sex until the memory of the horror fades. Which could be _never_.”

“Aa-ah!” Wobbling like a drunk, Eren leaned further into Levi, wrapping his other arm around Levi’s chest, fingers clutching at the uniform jacket. “Heichou is so mean to me....” His hand tightened just a little on Levi’s shoulder as he turned his face against Levi’s hair. “Thank you, though,” he whispered, his lips close to Levi’s ear. “For helping.” 

Levi sighed in spite of himself. “Stupid spunk-for-brains brat,” he grumbled, heaving some of Eren’s weight back off him so they could walk. “Just keep your huge-ass Titan cock to yourself the next time.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am shocked--shocked!--that nobody has done this before. Or maybe someone has, but I didn't find any relevant tags when I looked.
> 
> This was originally going to be part of the canon-divergent Levi/Eren (plus others) fic series I've been working on, but it didn't really fit with the tone of the rest, and it stands alone just fine, so. Here's your ginormous Titan cock fic. You're welcome.


End file.
